The Earnest Review

My favorite picture from Saturday:


My favorite three pictures from Monday:

(Thanks Aunt Rachel!)

And I don't really know what more I have to say about that. Except that we're in the business of making childhoods happen right now.

I watch these kids all day long, everyday, thinking about childhood. I think I've decided it matters so much. You have no idea what they will remember. You have no idea how they see you, and what they think you're doing. But everyday I watch them evolve and interact and simultaneously grow away from me ever so slightly, while growing closer to one another, ever so slightly. And through it all I find myself remembering my own childhood moments, in an attempt to try to understand them better. I'm trying to remember what it felt like. What I felt like when I was 7 almost 8, or when I was almost 10. So that I can honor and respect them for where they are in their lives.

I'm just trying to remember.

And to be here. I'm trying to be here. I'm here for the boys when they walk in the door after school. They walk in and instantly call out my name and want to find me. They want me to sit down and help them do their homework, and they want to ask me questions. But at the same time, they don't really want to have to listen to the answer, because they want to know it already. And so they get frustrated, and they take it out on me. And that's okay, I think I remember doing the same thing to my mother.

In the middle of it yesterday, the after school dance that we were doing, George said to me,

"Mom, were you always this confident?"

And I had no idea what he was talking about. So I asked him what he meant. And he said,

"I just wonder, were you always like this? Did you always know the answers to everything? And have you always thought you could handle everything all at the same time?"

The answer is,

No George. I don't always have the answers to everything. I don't always think I can handle everything all at the same time. Often times I think I'm not qualified for my current job position. But I am trying my very best. Day after day. Day after day. Because when it's all said and done, I mostly just want you to remember that I was always here. Always here when you called out my name. Always here when you wanted (but acted like you didn't want) my help. I Just want you to know, I'm right here.

That's all. For right now, that's all I've got.

And the fact that I spent a goodly portion of my afternoon trying to explain to the girls that 4 1/2 is bigger than 4. And it doesn't mean that you missed your 5th birthday, or that your 4th birthday was a fraud. One of their little friends seems to have told them that she is better than them because she's 4 1/2. And I tried to tell them that they were 4 1/2 too, so there is nothing for them to worry about. They told me they didn't turn 4 1/2 on their last birthday, because the birthday crowns had the number 4 on them!